(This is satire, not to be confused with fake news) In a statement released by the Obama Foundation Tuesday, Barack Obama revealed his behind-the-scenes work to get Trump elected to office so he could control congressional Republicans. “During my second term, I realized Republicans weren’t opposed to my higher domestic spending proposals. They were opposed to me,” said the former president. “I knew it would be the same for Hillary, so helping The Donald win the election was the most logical way to get a W for Democrats.” In his 2016 budget request,
Obama asked for $77.9 billion to go to the Department of Health and Human Services. The GOP resisted President Obama, but approved $78 billion last week under President Trump. Similarly, the GOP fought the former president two years ago on funding for the Department of Labor and the Department of Education, and then literally laughed with their hands on their bellies last week when they signed off on a spending plan for those departments that was $1.5 billion higher than Obama’s original request. “For years, I had been trying to get the GOP to fund my infrastructure program, TIGER, properly. I asked for $1.2 billion, but year after they kept me stuck in the mud at $500 million. Now that I got Trump in office, Congress is giving my program $1.5 billion. I couldn’t be more pleased,” said Obama. GOP lawmakers responded. “People think our hands were tied because this was ‘the only way’ we could get the higher military spending we wanted,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “[pullquote]The truth is, we wanted to make it rain all along, everywhere, but we had to consider the optics of giving Barack Hussein Obama what he asked for[/pullquote],” said Ryan. Ryan went on to explain how Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell would invite him to the Marble Room behind the Senate chambers where they would practice making it rain with stacks of ones. “We’re pushing $1.3 trillion, holmes. Those rappers don’t even know!” Obama and the GOP were also happy with what they did for education, despite Trump’s agenda and DeVos’s recommendations to cut funding to the department. “Betsy DeVos was trying to go all ‘conservative Freddy Krueger’ on us and…Slash! Slash! Slash!” McConnell said, “But we showed her. We increased her budget by $3.9 billion. That’s billion with a B, sucka!”